Living is an Art . . . Conquer YOUR Canvas!

There was a time when I used to be amazed at the number of seemingly grown men who were unwilling to be responsible for their own lives and for those of the families they made. Like everyone else, I've seen the increasing dismal statistics of fatherlessness in the American community. I would even go so far as to say there is pandemic manlessness as well. Men in our extended families are also becoming increasingly rare. What seems to be commonplace now are families with lots of women, young children, and old men. Young men are few and far between – and getting fewer all the time.

Many women have rushed to blame the men for this. After all, ultimately it is their choice to leave; their choice to follow the examples, or the lack thereof, that preceded them. These are grown men and entirely accountable for their action and/or inaction – granted.

However, I submit to you that many women – particularly many single mothers – are in the deepest denial about their contribution to this pandemic. In their zeal to raise good sons they have often neglected to raise responsible men who would actually be suitably productive husbands and fathers. So many single mothers, mothering from the own pains and issues, often deliberately or incidentally surrogate their children into "pseudo-spouses". In the process, these children often receive severely mixed messages. On the one hand, they are constantly reminded of how much they resemble all the worst traits in their fathers. On the other, their mothers are quick to lay guilt trips on them if they dare to establish an independent identity or a different significant female relationship. These boys get angry and resentful, so the mother's remedy is often to indulge them. They are rewarded with material things in return for their faithfulness to fulfilling their mother's wishes.

And so the cycle continues until the sex drive takes over. Now, these same young men start "mating and procreating" with no significant grasp of the level of responsibility that creates. However, thinking that they do, they often "try" to be there. That usually lasts until he gets overwhelmed and/or it's not fun anymore. She wakes up one day without him; and grandma is raising babies once again. Why? Because we have spawned yet another generation of people who believe the universe exists solely to serve them. If it doesn't, then there is clearly something wrong with the universe – it couldn't possibly be something wrong with them. We've created yet another generation of perfect pimps and then we get mad at them when they behave accordingly. We often create the monsters that come back to kill us.

How do we stop it? Here are three things we can do: 1) Put them out of their parents' house by age 21 – sooner if they don't go to college at 18; 2) stop letting them have sex in a home they don't have a lease/mortgage on; and 3) stop letting them move their girlfriends into that same house.

Brain surgery – it is not!

In the great mental vacuum of psychobabble and matching talk shows, seems to be an endless string of people from failed relationships asking "why". "Why didn't I get my promised phone call?" "Why weren't they where they said they were going to be?" "Why did they lie to me?" "Why did they cheat on me?" Why, why, why, why!!! These pointless inquiries are usually followed by some mention of "closure" as if having "closure" somehow changes the end results. My question is why ask why?

The fact is it makes no difference. Why people do what they do rarely makes a difference. That they do what they do is what ultimately matters. Oh, I realize most people think that if the "reason" is good enough, it's going to make everything OK somehow. But let's face it; the reasons are usually a far cry from the near life and death scenarios we need them to be for our own rationalizations. Oftentimes, the "reasons" people give are just more lies. Which brings me back to my original question – why ask why?

Ask this, am I hurt about the lie or action? Would you really feel better knowing that you didn't get that call because she was just trying to spare your feelings or would you prefer that she simply didn't make a promise she never intended to keep? Would you really feel better if you knew that he lied to you just to get laid or would you prefer that he was simply honest about wanting to get laid so you could be a real adult and decide for yourself if you wanted to participate? How does it hurt less or damage you less if you know you were cheated on just because it was possible? Is it better to be cheated on for meaningless sex or because of a relationship?

My point is, whatever the "reason", the end result is the same. Most of us have enough to do trying to replenish ourselves after a bad relationship. If you really want to spend that time productively, it would be much better to focus on what actually does matter – dealing with the reality of the situation you're left with. Don't deny; don't distort; don't try to medicate away the feelings – they suck, but they're not fatal. People somehow manage to live through them all the time – no matter how horrible. Give yourself the opportunity to be surprised and proud of how strong you really are. See it for what it is; deal with it; and become a better person on the other side of the pain. That way, you can be truly useful and pay your wisdom forward to someone else suffering the same agony.

What to Do, What to Do?

This question won't be going anywhere any time soon.  As long as there are people with rushing hormones, this is going to be an issue.  Many will blame the animal in us (particularly men - sorry fellas- smile); others will blame our histories; still others will create their own philosophies.

However, there are some things I have noticed that I don't see anyone else discussing.  For example, anatomically speaking, all the reasons that sex is good for marriage make it bad before marriage.  Research has shown that during the sexual process, hormones are released into our brains that are designed specifically to facilitate emotional bonding.  Yes, emotional bonding does have a significant chemical component.  If, in fact, this is true - it would go a long way toward explaining why it is often so much more difficult to break up with someone we've been sexual with.  Even if we believe we didn't particularly enjoy the experience, the associated hormones tend to leave a lasting psychological imprint, if you will, that tends toward bonding with the object of the sexual connection.  Unfortunately, this can happen in positive as well as negative ways.

Another significant consideration is the fact that the human brain functions much differently under the influence of infatuation/sexual arousal than it does otherwise.  Science has shown that areas of the brain mostly responsible for logic and rational judgment are largely short-changed of blood flow under the influence of infatuation/sexual arousal.  I heard a saying once - when you're find your back, you lose your mind.  There is scientific basis for the truth of this saying.  Essentially, that means that you are literally incapable of comprehensive rational thought during sexual arousal.  The creative and emotional brain centers, however, are sent into overdrive.  On average, it takes about 90 days for this phenomenon to subside to the point of returning brain function and blood flow to normal levels.

While sex before marriage may give you insight into your partner's sexual performance habits and/or preferences, it will also tend to set you up to emotionally make connections that are virtually guaranteed to fail.  The more sex you have; the more connected you become to your partner and/or the act of sex itself; the less rational and more emotional you become - anatomically.  Most people have little knowledge or understanding of their own biochemistry with regard to this issue.  Unfortunately, ignorance does nothing to change the dynamics and you will live with the consequences whether you're aware of them or not.

That's a major reason why so many new relationships typically don't make it past 90 days; why people look decidedly different to you after the orgasms are over than they did before the orgasms; why so many people believe they "can't help" who they "love", etc.  My advice to adults is to use your dating experiences as information gathering missions.  Don't get too emotionally attached before 90 days have passed and make sure that you can comfortably walk away at any time.  I have more suggestions, but that's another blog. :-)

One of the easiest and best ways to avoid painful and unfulfiling emotional attachments is to avoid sex until after marriage.  By then, you should have a good and objective view of the kind of mate your partner would make and you can make a much more rational decision about whether or not to continue to marriage.  If you don't, chances increase exponentially that you will stay in a bad relationship far longer than you need to and you'll tolerate conditions that sap your soul for no other reason than the sexual connection.

Amnesia is Impossible. Now What?

Hurt feelings happen. Pain is a fact of life.  Get used to it.  It's not going anywhere.  Create a strategy for dealing with it right now and spare yourself years and years of needless pain.

The good news is hurt feelings are not fatal.  You don't have to die from your pain.  Pain doesn't have to be a lifestyle.  Contentment and happiness can be made in spite of it.  The real question is, are you willing to do what it takes to have contentment and happiness anyway?

Maintaining a lasting relationship is impossible if you expect that your partner would not disappoint you if they truly loved you.  Proximity alone makes this absolutely impossible.  The mistake here is the "my feelings are hurt = my partner doesn't love me" assumption.  News flash: the world doesn't revolve around your feelings.  That's good news.  It puts the control back where it should have been all along - in your hands.

You can be right or you can be in relationship.  When you're really fortunate, you can be both.  But there are times when you will have to choose.  Here's something to keep in mind: forcing "right" makes you an enemy to your partner.  How excited would you really be to be sleeping with your enemy?  Don't set yourself up for the failure.

Listen, I understand that some things can, and should, not be negotiated.  I'm not talking about those things.  I'm talking about times when your pride becomes more important than fostering the kind of trust that creates the safety that makes true intimacy possible in any relationship.  There will be more than enough situations in your partnership that will tend to divide you.  If there's room to forgive, take it at every available opportunity.  I promise you that you will soon be the one who needs the favor in return.

You will not get amnesia.  If that's what it takes for you, then you've got much bigger relationship issues.  Forgiveness isn't about forgetting.  It's about making a conscious decision not to continue to hold an offense against someone.  It is to know what the wrong was and to give up your "right" to revenge and retribution.  To forgive is to be willing to value your relationship above your feelings.

It's a tall order.  Accept that your partner is not purposely trying to hurt you.  Take responsibility for your own feelings and stop unfairly burdening the one you love.  You will find that your relationship will improve right away.

Lessons for Women

Women have wondered forever what it is about porn that mesmerizes so many men.  Some of us have tried to participate with our partners only to find ourselves feeling like Hell afterwards.  Others of us have found ways to make it part of our sexual lexicon with mixed results.

Let's face it.  Outside of the industry, it is difficult at best for a couple to comfortably fit porn into their relationship.  Men, on the other hand, generally have no problem keeping as part of their lives for their entire lives - whether they hide it or not.  It is a very popular source of entertainment, sexual gratification, and oftentimes - a coping mechanism.

The reasons men like it are as varied as the men who like it.  However, there is one thing I discovered in my own research that is a recurring theme.  Men thoroughly enjoy the attitudes of the women involved.  The women are generally average looking.  Most times, they are not extraordinarily beautiful the way many of us imagine.  However, they do appear to thoroughly enjoy sex for the sake of sex.  They act like they enjoy everything about the sexual experience.

This is a valuable insight that women would do well to find a way to incorporate into their real life encounters.  Men don't need you to be a sexual pretzel.  They don't need tricks out of the ordinary to be satisfied. What they do need is to feel desired - sexually and totally.  Men crave approval and acceptance at least as much as women do.  They have different ways of showing it, but it's true.

Bottom line - men want us to want them as much as they want us.  They want us to surrender ourselves to the ecstasy they create for us.  They don't want us to be controlled and conservative.  They want us uninhibited and free (without a salary or a script)!!!!

Here's what I suggest - enthusiasm!  Show it.  Don't hide it.  Don't pretend.  Be creative and inventive without violating your sensibilities.  You'll probably surprise yourself with the things you come up with.  Experiment, play, enjoy.  But here's one thing you should never do - never do anything that you both can't agree on.  Force and coercion should have no place in intimate exchanges.  Other than that, be open (no pun intended - smile) and leave no doubt in your man's mind that you are excited about sharing yourself with him.  You won't regret it.

Speaking the truth in love,

Deidre

Like most people, I have often heard the all-too-common refrains, "you can't help who you love", "it just happened", or "one thing led to another".  Most often, I hear this from women who are attempting to justify their ill-advised involvement in some situation that has come back to bite them in the behind.

Ladies, I'm about to set you free!!  None of these assessments is accurate.  The truth is - you absolutely, unequivocally "help" who you love; it did not just happen; and one thing did not lead to another.  You either made it happen or you allowed it to happen.  Now, you're free because either way, the situation is in your control.  For purposes of this entry, however, I will focus on the 'who you love' issue as it concerns unhealthy romantic love.

Contrary to popular opinion, love is not accidental, incidental, or happenstance.  It isn't random, arbitrary, or evolutionary.  It happens by the sheer force of two independent wills focused in the same direction.  It happens because the two people involved wanted it to happen, and have usually expended considerable effort to make sure that it did happen.  Love is not a hole in the sidewalk waiting for you to blindly fall into it.  Love is the by product of mental and physical time and effort deliberately put forth to create and continue feelings of infatuation and romance.

We've all seen the situations where people have gotten involved in emotional and/or physical intimacies with someone they were "just friends" with.   The usual protests go something like "I don't know how it happened", "I never intended for it to happen", or "I couldn't help myself".  The facts are that these relationships never just happen.  They occur after days, weeks, and months of finding big and small ways to perpetuate the ecstasy of illicit attraction.

That fact alone begs the question, is it really love you've created?  You might think it is.  Your partner may even agree.  The truth is you've created a fantasy that can only survive in the bubble of the manipulated realities you've invented.  That's why the magic dies under the stresses and strains of real life.  No longer able to shield your "love" from the side effects and consequences of real life, you usually soon find that your "love" fades.

In short, true love is a series of choices that you get emotional about. It is not merely an emotion or a feeling that you just helplessly fall into like a hole in the sidewalk. True love is deliberate. It lasts, not because of how you feel about eachother - but because of your dedication to your commitment to eachother.

Speaking the truth in love,

Deidre