I'm Coming Out!

There comes a point where enough is enough. A point where you get tired of seeing other people do what you only think and dream about doing. There comes a point where you can taste success, you can taste your future, your destiny and you feel a burning in your veins to go for it. This is the point where I am today. Some people call it the point where the rubber meets the road. For years I have struggled with poor physical health (obesity), poor financial health (poverty), and poor sexual health (promiscuity). It is time to take control. I was able to become abstinent while I was pregnant with my twins and for a couple years after they were born, primarily because I was “scared straight” or scared stiff. I had become pregnant with them after being with their father one night- twins, born at 27 weeks, 2.3 pounds, in the hospital for nine weeks, alone. That was enough to halt my sexual appetite for quite a while. The next man I was with was my husband.

 

However, during the time I was abstinent, my weight ballooned out of control. I am usually 230 a 18/20 but I got up to an all-time high of 260- size 24!!! A place I never want to be again. My neck was fat, my rolls had rolls but I felt happy. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and used breastfeeding as my excuse. What I didn’t know what that I was eating to mask the feelings I was having about my discontent with myself and the discontent with my situation. That was 2006.

 

Between then and now I have shed lots of tears and pounds too. I struggle with my love for my (now ex) husband with the seriousness of my role as a mother. I deny myself to get stronger and indulge myself to reward. I love food but I am slowly letting go of my emotional need to eat. It is scary and empowering all at once. I am weigh 220 and wear 14/16.

 

The hardest days are behind me and slightly in front of me. I still turn to pizza when I’m emotional but I don’t eat a large pie by myself. I am fasting for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being and learning to say no, set boundaries, soar higher.

 

Because I’ve been able to accomplish so much in my brokenness, a lot of people didn’t see I was broken. But my failed romantic relationships and the pain I’ve caused people because of my anger were signed that all was not well. As I peel back the onion to my pain, the smell is strong, and the desire to run back to my old ways is tempting. But I know that there is Glory and strength and a sense of accomplishment on the other side of this hard work.

 

So, I exercise, I pray, meditate, do yoga, fast, deny my body, turn down sex, hang up the phone when I feel the conversation leaves my comfort zone, I say no, leave when I want to, get plenty of sleep, stop trying to do it all. I am human, and my body needs to be nurtured. I say “I love you, you are worthy, you are worth the work and the wait.” So when I feel weak, I allow myself to feel weak, I cry into my pillow and even call my ex-husband when I want to hear his voice because I miss him. I discipline my kids in love without feeling guilty and I set healthy boundaries based on my parenting standards, not the worlds. I am okay and I’m getting better everyday. I’m gaining control. And you ain’t seen nothing yet!

I don’t know if I would say I’m angry. But I would definitely say it doesn’t take much to get my angry. What does this have to do with my health? I feel that weight gain has protected me and inoculated me from some things. When I lose weight, I feel vulnerable. When I gain weight, I know that people are dealing with me for who I am rather than how I look. Why is that important? Because I’m the survivor of sexual assault.

Sexual assault puts you at odds with your body. If something bad happens while you’re listening to a song, you just don’t listen to that song ever again. If a guy dumps you wearing the orange dress, you throw it away or give it away. But when someone violates your body, you cannot do anything with your body but disassociate yourself or worse, punish yourself.

So in order to get healthy, you have to begin to realize all the ways that you devalue yourself because these are the things that have kept you from putting your health first. In a way the relationship many of us develop with food is an attempt to stuff the emotions so we won’t feel anything. Instead of throwing ourselves away we turn off our ability to listen to our body. We don’t hear anything our body says. And we eat more, and get bigger, and tell ourselves “now we’re safe.” And then we let men in who abuse us, but we are absent from our body while it’s happening. And we mistake those physical feelings and yearnings for love. If we loved ourselves we wouldn’t treat ourselves this way and if we loved others, we wouldn’t allow them to treat us this way.

How is this related to anger? Violation at a young age makes you scared, and that fear, I believe, eventually turns to anger- anger against the world, the universe, your parents and God for not protecting you, and the predator. It’s an anger that becomes part of who you are, it fuels you. At every turn you feel scared so you get mad, because this time you are going to fight back, they won’t ever do that to you again!

Anger that sits in your soul and seethes through your intimate dealings with those closest to you is not healthy. When you realize that you don’t have to be afraid, you can put the anger away and be you.

How many of us work hard to get that new Coach bag we’ve seen. Or spot someone wearing a certain shade of turquoise nail polish and hunt it down in the store. How many women spotted a guy in school and did whatever it took to get his attention. But how many of us work that hard to design the life we want for ourselves? It’s as if we believe the life we dream of and envision will just fall into our laps. Like we will wake up one day smaller, with the man of our dreams, happier, richer, more satisfied. Guess what? It takes work. And we are all into work when it comes to confronting crises- so let’s put that same energy into avoiding crises and designing our lives.

 

I’m a (defunct) Mary Kay consultant and I went to a MK seminar about five years ago called Designing Your Life. I was so impressed with this seminar. The woman gave out date planners and told us all to write five things we wanted to accomplish in the year at the beginning and each day we were to write down five things to do that would work towards accomplishing that goal. It was hard work because at that time in my life, I really didn’t have any other goals besides being a good parent and wife and finishing law school. But as I allowed myself to dream, I remembered the rush of being on stage and the great feeling I got when I wrote. I began to imagine that I could be a writer again, a dream I’d let go of years ago.

 

In visualizing myself as a writer a couple years ago, I decided when I bought my dream house I would have my office in the library and have my desk facing a window looking out over a body of water. Water is such tranquility to me and imagine the visions I would have and the inspiration I would have to write. This year when I separated from my husband and moved me and the kids into our own apartment, I walked into my new master bedroom and looked out the window. There was a pond, with ducks and geese. I’m living my dream life now.

 

Similarly, I wrote my five year plan a few years ago and dreamed of the day I would leap out of bed excited to start the day and exercise, read the Bible and journal every morning. Guess what? That seemed so elusive at the time. I am not a morning person and even if I had to wake up early back in those days I would go right back to sleep. But this morning I woke up at 6am, got the kids off to school, came home read the Bible, exercised for 45 minutes and I’m journaling right now.

 

So design your life. What is it that you have been dreaming of? You don’t have to be married to start practicing what type of wife you will be. You don’t have to go to culinary Arts school to start cooking like a chef. You don’t have to get bariatric surgery to start working on getting the body you want. Work at your dreams every day. Make a 5 year, 10 year and 1 year plan. What do you want to accomplish today and how are those goals leading you to your ultimate goals. Work on buying a home, going back to school, becoming a model, swimmer, actress. It’s never too late. And when you are ready- your gifts will make room for you. Alright, now, I’m out.

Today marked the 9^th day that I exercised. Not in a row, I took two days off last Saturday and Sunday and I pushed myself from 20 minutes to 30 minutes. I feel great. I’m wearing a jean outfit with a short shirt, belt, and jacket. It looks good on me. I may be a 16/18, but doing those sit ups makes me feel like I’ve got Pamela Anderson abs! Also working out using Yoga is helping my posture and breathing. Even now, on the computer I’m reminded to sit up straight and put both feet on the ground. Did you know you can lose weight just by using correct posture? Don’t believe me? Hold you legs together and put your feet flat on the ground. Feel your thighs burning? I told you.

 

Now even though I am doing fantastic (you go girl) in the weight department, I have to confess that I have not been eating great. I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping in about 9 days (probably because I’ve been so busy exercising- LOL). No, but this is no laughing matter. I’ve been eating fast food all day again. It’s an easy habit to get into but it’s killing us ya'll. All this exercise and I haven’t lost a pound because of the way I’ve been eating. I try to tell myself that it’s okay because I only have a double cheeseburger or just fries instead of getting the whole meal, but deep down inside I know that I’m short cutting myself and I’m holding myself accountable by confessing (Usher- these are my confessions).

 

Seriously, I cannot continue to use fast food as a crutch. Waking up at 6am to get the kids on the bus and then working out until 7:30am then jumping in the shower to get out the door by 8am to get to work at 8:30am. Then I don’t get home until I pick the kids up at the bus stop at 4:30pm and then we head to football at 5:30pm. In that hour, I’m usually sitting in one spot- zoned out on how busy my day has been. Then we are getting home at 9pm or 10pm depending on whether or not I pick up the twins from their Grandma’s house. We are grabbing dinner whenever we can, from wherever we can and I have to make changes.

 

I commit to going shopping TODAY- wait I have an appointment at 1:30pm, pick up kids at 4:30pm, class at 6:30pm- no matter. I will make time today to go to Trader Joes and pick up Fruits, Veggies, Brown Rice, wheat bread and organic meat! How long can that take? And tomorrow afternoon between picking up the kids and going to my BFF’s mom’s birthday party, I will stop at Walmart for the juice boxes and lunch items for the kids. Hold me accountable okay?

Sometimes you have to just do it. No talking about it, no planning, no pondering. There comes a time when you just wake up and decide today is the day. That's what has happened to me over the past two weeks. I have read so many books about how to lose weight, how to change your life, but it didn't matter until I got up and decided there was no better day than today to begin the new life I hoped to live.

It's amazing how we have these dreams and goals in our heads but we think they will just happen and appear by osmosis. It takes one step, then another and another. Tyrese Gibson said something last night that inspired me: he said we are the only thing standing in our way. In my motivational speaking I tell people that often, but it was something else to hear someone saying it to me. I have been standing in my way. With excuses and past experiences holding me back from the healthier lifestyle I deserve. Tyrese wrote an article for Men's Magazine about the changes he took to get his body back in shape. It took a decision, and then quick action inspired by Will Smith who said no one would ever outwork him. Don't let anyone outwork you. Be the best you can be. Put in the work now and save yourself from disease and early death. It begins today. It begins with you.



http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=fitness&category=motivation&conitem=0b5ff23ace631210VgnVCM10000013281eac____&page=2

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