Sex & Relationships: From A to Everything

What do women want? Many have attempted to answer this question. Determine the perfect formula that makes the ideal mate. However, what women want varies. Every woman is an individual and the ideals and values they place on certain traits make the "ideal mate" different. But most importantly, women are not always sure what they want. The funny guy may gain a woman's eye initially, but he may not keep her heart. The sensitive type may write her the poetry she enjoys but not the passion she desires. And what is ever-so often the case, the bad boy may be fun but he might not offer her the security she needs to feel she is in a strong relationships. Some of us want the world and some of us are happy with much less.

Assuming that what women want can be easily answered can be shortsighted and only bring short-term happiness. It can cause men to fake parts of their personality in order to appeal to what they think women want. But it can also cause women to demand certain traits in their mate, only because they think it's what they should value. I read an article where Nick Cannon discussed not only what women want but also how he treats his bride, Mariah Carey. Here is an excerpt from the article:

Some say chivalry is dead. But in Nick Cannon’s world, a “woman should be treated like a precious queen with her crown held up way high.” He holds an umbrella for his beloved wife, Mariah Carey, when it rains and protects her from the mobbing paparazzi.

In the recent years, Cannon has evolved into far more than just the funny kid with the big smile on Nickelodeon. We have watched him grow from comedian and film star to executive producer of his own hit TV shows. And we’ve also watched with intrigue as he swept one of the world’s greatest pop icons off of her feet, only to be labeled “Mr. Mariah Carey.” More importantly, one must wonder, what qualities does this young brother possess to win the affections of such a woman? And what can he impart to some of the men whose “sensitivity chip” seems to be missing?

Recently, BV Love caught up with Cannon to discuss his current project with AXE and dating expert Anna David and what men need to know about keeping woman happy. According to Cannon, it all starts with sensitivity.

[The complete article can be found here: http://www.nickcannonarchives.com/2009/10/09/what-women-really-want-nick-cannon-knows/]

So what do women really want? Men, have you came across a trait that all the women you have dated have valued? Ladies, is there one thing you have always wanted in a man, and believe you always will?

I recently read an article, "When Will I stop Being Angry?" [which can be found here: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-when-will-i-stop-being-angry/] and it gave me a lot to think about. People always assume that once it's over, it's over and things should be that simple. But honestly, when has anything in life ever been that simple, least of all when emotions are involved. Relationships, whether short or long-term, good or bad, leave their mark. They factor into the relationships that come after it and make you think about the ones that come before. When they end badly, it's sometimes difficult to let go emotionally and even more difficult to let go of the anger. Sometimes anger comes from a place of confusion, "Why did they do that to me?" or a place of jealousy, "How did they move on so fast?". But sometimes anger exists because their was a lack of finality to the relationship, at least on your part. If things ended badly, there probably wasn't much of an explanation or even a chance for you to voice your own feelings. It was just over. And you're left with negative energy.

The ideal way to release this energy is to gain closure, but this isn't always possible. Keeping this type of anger bottled in is the cause of bitter feelings that people let hurt themselves or others. I'm very expressive with my emotions [sometimes overly expressive with my emotions] and I believe that it is important to express yourself in order to keep a healthy perspective. Doing so is not only beneficial to you as an individual, but also as you move forward in future relationships, including friendships. When I was going through a particularly brutal breakup, I expressed how angry I was [sometimes overly expressed how angry I was] and although it helped to voice all the things I was feeling, it got to a point where I needed to just let go of being angry. And this is not to say it doesn't still get to me [hey, I'm human!], I have definitely reached a point where the anger isn't active. During this time, a friend of mine shared some tips with me and although I did a "pick and choose" on what tips I felt were most helpful, I'd like to share them all.

• Write down what you're feeling; focus on the things you aren't able to say to everyone else.
• Think about the possible reasons behind what happened. Consider your role, as well as the other person's motivation.
• Don't expect to forgive the person immediately. You don't have a deadline, take time until you are truly ready to forgive them.
• Revenge is a dish best not served at all.
  
• You may never hear them say they are sorry, that is something you have to accept.
• Talk, talk, talk. Express yourself to someone who will give you a new way of looking at the situation and has a neutral opinion.
  

As I mentioned above, some of these worked for me, some didn't apply and some were just not things I was ready to do. But the beauty of even utilizing one of these is that you are making moves away from the negativity and towards something positive. The best way to get "revenge" on the person that hurt you is by moving on and moving forward.

First-dates can bring on a variety of emotions. The exciting feeling you get when everything is still new. The uncertainty of just how good [or bad] the night will turn out. Yes, first dates are a special time for all. So, how do you beat the jitters and keep your nerves from sabotaging the date? Here's a few tips that I came across that can keep your confidence high as you go forward on your newest dating adventure.

Confidence is key. Instead of questioning "Will he [or she] like me?", think about why the date is happening in the first place. Clearly the person is interested in getting to know you, which is the most important part. You've already gotten past the most important part, so focus on enjoying the date. Confidence is sexy for a reason, it's like a walking billboard that says "I like me and you should too!"

When in doubt, use a lifeline. If you can't shake the nerves and you're still doubting yourself, call a friend. The great thing about friends is that, for better or worse, they can often see the sides of yourself that you can't. In this instance, you'll need to rely on the "for better". Let them pump your head up and keep you calm. You may not believe the hype, but it will at least make you feel better.

Icebreakers are timeless for a reason; they work. If you're funny and you know it, tell a story that's gotten you a few chuckles in the past. If you're not funny and you know it, don't force it. You can be interesting without getting any laughs. Just go for what works. The most important thing is that you do your best to limit the awkward silence. The first date is the perfect time to learn and the more you converse, the more you two learn about each other.

Look your best. This one may seem like a no-brainer, because it is. If you feel confident in how you look, it will make everything that much easier. Wear clothes, either new or old, that make you feel good.

All the tips in the world won't make the date perfect if you two aren't compatible, but you'll never know unless you give it your best effort. Have fun, keep confident and pursue the date with a positive attitude. 

Legally, it's true: if you aren't married to someone, you are considered single. The terms "wifey", "hubby" and "it's complicated" are popular in today's culture and many people equate a serious relationship with marriage. Although relationships lay a great foundation for marriage, they aren't the same things. The rules, both formal and unspoken are different.  This week's video recommendation touches on that...actually, it touches on a few issues. I know quite a few women and men who watched this; some married, some in relationships and some single. The reactions were varied enough that I decided to share the video with you all and get your opinion. I personally found a few of his points to be complete generalizations but the overall message of the video is interesting. Watch it and whether you love it or hate it, let me know what you thought.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BENaDDZlw
[If the link doesn't work for you, just copy and paste this address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BENaDDZlw]

A friend sent me a link to this article that lists the top 10 excuses people use for not having sex: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1213591/Not-tonight-dear-Im-tired-Headache-slips-list-reasons-avoid-sex.html#ixzz0TSGOvTvp
The list goes as follows:

1. Too tired

2. I'm not in the mood

3. I've got a headache

4. I've got to get up in the morning

5. I'm pre-occupied with work

6. I'm angry with you

7. I can hear one of the children

8. You need a shower

9. I've got a bad back

10. Too soon in our relationship

"She put herself in that situation!"..."How could she do that to another woman?"..."She's stupid!"

The "other woman" does not usually get any sympathy, instead she is judged and labeled. But what about the woman that takes on this role accidentally. She's in a great relationship [or so she thinks], with a man who spends most of his days with her [when he's not with his actual girlfriend] and tells her he loves her. Things are perfect, until she finds out that while she was thinking she was in a "you and me", she was really part of a love triangle she never knew existed. It's not easy to invest so much time into something, only to walk away when you learn something like this. So, how does this woman handle things once she knows that she is, in fact, the other woman?

First, no matter what you want to believe, she is not at fault. She did not steal him from you, she did not wreck your "good thing" and she is not the other woman. Unfortunately, she was wronged in the same way. You were convinced that all his time, affection and love was for you, but again, so was she. The person that is at fault is him. The sooner you gain that perspective the sooner you will be able to deal with the reality of the situation. Which brings me to this...

No matter how "solid" you feel the relationship is, the foundation is built on lies. His feelings may have been legitimate but a relationship is built on much more than attraction and emotions. The foundation stands on trust and communication. He violated your trust every time you two communicated. You were the accidental other woman for a reason, you had no idea what was really going on. So please...

Do not beat yourself up. When you look back to Day 1 you will probably notice things you missed before. Times he went missing with little or no explanation. Things he said that didn't add up. Little instances where you felt something was wrong but you couldn't figure out what it was. Or maybe you'll look back and see nothing out of place. Up until the moment you found out, you thought things were perfect. Either way, you can't kick yourself. It's hard but you should take all that you learned and put it in perspective. A great way to do this is to...

Distance yourself. You legitimately had know idea of what was going on but now that you do, you are accountable. If you continue a relationship with him that is a decision you are making. End the relationship and begin the healing. Developing closure will allow you to move past what happened. Granted, this last tip is the hardest one to follow. It's asking you to go from 0 to 60 and cut off a relationship before you're ready but it's a necessity for you sanity.

This entire scenario can easily apply to the accidental "other man" too, but I write what I know. And unfortunately, this is a situation that I experienced. I shared the tips that I learned from hindsight. I will admit that the last one was the hardest part. It is not easy to let go of something you feel is yours but the truthfully, it never was really yours. The longer you hold on, the harder it is to let go and the more reasons you will find to justify staying in the relationship. The most important thing you have to do is be honest with yourself. Dealing with it will be an ongoing process, especially when it comes to trusting someone else when you're ready to enter a new relationship. You deserve to be happy and the sooner you address the issue, the sooner you can get back on track.

I'm the offspring of two very, very old-school parents. Curfews, no riding in cars with strange boys, knowing a child's place...all lessons they were very intent on teaching. When I was [finally] allowed to date, my mom would be sure to talk with me before I left out. A lot of her words went in one ear and out the other or were things that I wouldn't come to appreciate until I was older. She offered up more than a few gems, but the one rule I could never get behind was the guy always paying. For two reasons:
    #1...it was in direct conflict with my dad's rule; nothing is free.
    #2...I've worked pretty consistently since I was a teen and I enjoyed being able to pay.

I'm a huge advocate for "going dutch". I pay sometimes, you pay sometimes, we plan dates together and no one goes broke as we develop our relationship. It's a money thing but it's also a control thing: I never like to give away all of mine. I find that going dutch creates a nice dating balance. Now, I know that some women [and men] find that if a guy doesn't pay, especially on the first date, it somehow says that he's a bum. This old school rule survived more than a few decades, but recently splitting the check has become increasingly common. So what's changed? Is it the economy? The need for equality? Lowered expectations? All of the above? And as the trend changes, will the man-woman dynamic change as well? I don't think so. Old school rules that other generations followed existed for tons of reasons and as the times change, the factors change as well. If you're dating a guy who always insists on paying, this does not necessarily mean that all of his ideals are "old school", he may genuinely enjoy paying. And if your lady likes helping you take care of the check from time to time, she may just be trying to help lighten the load and not threaten your manhood.

When I brought up this topic with one of my more open-minded male friends, he gave me this to think about: The rules of dating may have progressed, but the first date is still the same; the guy should pay. So maybe the old school rule applies during the "courtship" portion but once you have settled into a relationship groove, going dutch is acceptable. Do you agree? Is splitting the check a thing of the past or a growing trend for the future?

Pride and ego can be a very powerful things, with too much [or even too little] disrupting the flow of an otherwise health relationship. Understanding that relationships, whether they be with friends, family or even co-workers, require a little humility is important. You can always be right and you can always have your way, but at what cost?

• Voicing your opinions is good, but a lot can be learned from listening more and speaking less. It's a small expression that shows your ego can handle not being the center of attention. When you stop dominating a conversation, you can allow others to express themselves and provide yourself with the opportunity learn more about the situation.
• With some arguments, you have to decide, what is more important, being right or being happy? Meaningless arguments rarely make you feel better. If it isn't a critical issue, it may not hurt to let the argument go.
• Forgiving and forgetting is a concept that is easier said than done. It takes effort to forgive someone, but even more to forget that the incident occurred. Pushing your pride to the side in favor of letting something go can be healthy, for you and your relationship.

Some situations in relationships can cause a minor bruise to your ego and some can completely damage your self-esteem. In either instance, it is necessary to your own sanity to decide what is truly important and what is simply a matter of pride. Humility does not mean that you should allow people to say or do whatever they like just to prove that you can be humble. Find your own balance and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to not let pride or ego stand in the way of your happy relationships.

The video title is highly deceiving. But I'm assuming it grabbed your attention? Good. It's not a bitter, four minute spiel of man-hating and why guys suck. It's quite the opposite, actually. After watching, I find it hard to believe that Ms. ShanelCooper believes this, she just used a title that appeals to the women [and men, who I'm sure will agree with her message]. Her video can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY0ptwrR_zI

She speaks the kind of truth that a lot of women need to hear: self-love, reasonable standards and understanding.

• You need to have self-love in order to seek out true love; without one, the other will only fall apart. Self-love can sound corny, but it's honestly the most important thing in relationships [next to communication of course!]. You need to love yourself enough to know what you deserve and also enough to trust that someone else can love you for the reasons you love yourself.
  
• You need to set reasonable standards. It is both unrealistic and unfair to only seek out mates that hold attributes that you yourself are lacking. The standards you set for others should first be met by you.
• Understanding of what's important. Look at the things you value in a mate. Now take some more time to evaluate how important each of those things are. This understanding should be based on things you value, not society and not your friends.
  

Overall, it's a great video because it is honest. Watch it and let me know what you think: what you loved, what you learned and what you would've added.

I'm not a mother, but one day I hope to be. And I want my child to see me as strong, caring, intelligent and all those other great qualities that are important to being a good mother. I'm not a wife, but one day I hope to be. And I want my husband to see me as strong, caring, intelligent and all those other great qualities that are important to being a good wife. I would love to be a good wife and mother, at the same time, and I believe I will. However, as a Black woman, the statistical odds are against me. Kimberly Seals Allers' article, "The Strong Black Woman Syndrome" [http://www.momlogic.com/2009/09/the_strong_black_woman_syndrome.php] touches on a few reasons why these adds are so high. The Strong Black Woman, according to Allers, can handle anything. She doesn't need the help of a man or anyone else and this, is how she becomes her own worse enemy. The Strong Black Woman finds herself alone because she refuses to be "weak" and embrace her "femininity".

I have heard this argument a million times, in a million different variations. The laundry list of things Black women are doing wrong with being too aggressive, proud and/or strong at the top of the list. Among all those things, I think the argument is lacking one key thing: balance. Men are not the easily intimidated creatures the article paints them as and many not only can handle a strong woman, but actively pursue them. Many men will tell you they want a woman who is strong but also sweet. And that, dear readers, is balance. One characteristic coupled with another, to keep the two from being too much. So why should a strong woman be advised to appear weak to keep their man or their family together? Instead, she should be encouraged to couple that strength with compassion. She should be encouraged to be strong without putting an armor [or emotional wall] around her heart. And most importantly, she should be encouraged to use that strength to work on building a strong relationship. I do agree with Allers' believe that families are in trouble. The two-parent household is slowly becoming an old-school concept. But telling the strong Black woman that being alone to raise a child is her fault? I just can't get support that notion. Responsibility goes to all sides and all individuals that haven't pulled their weight, not the stereotypical version of the Black man or woman.

Now granted, her article and her words are open to interpretation, so if you think I have it wrong, please share. If my lack of experience as a single mother or age made me completely uninformed on this topic, tell me. If you completely agree with me, tell me that too [I love having my opinions validated :) ]. Whatever the case,  I'm interested in hearing all viewpoints, both male and female on Allers' article and this topic. Share!

I went to church yesterday and aside from hearing a great message, it made me think about some things. I imagined how it would feel to share my experience with someone who didn't share the same religious views. And then I thought how much more difficult it might be to have a mate who did not believe in religion at all. When I was younger, these were not thoughts that crossed my mind. However, as I've gotten older and the relationships become more significant, I realize how much I value some things over others and how much certain things factor. Some people will argue that love conquers all and as long as you have a strong relationship, nothing else will matter. As romantic [and I am a huge fan of romance and all things romantic] as that notion sounds, it is not entirely realistic [pesky word, but still necessary]. Differing religious views do not mean a relationship won't work. It is just important to understand that the topic that will eventually come up; whether it's during a casual conversation or in decision on how to raise a child. There are a few things that are important to consider when in a relationship with someone of a different religion:

• Assuming the relationship progresses, how will this affect your family life? Will your differing religious views mean that your day-to-day lives will be different [for example: the foods you eat]?
• Will you be able to share special events together; Christmas, birthdays, etc.?
• Do you believe this is something you can deal with or will this be a deal-breaker?
  
• Will this cause a problem when raising children?

Although these are things to consider, it is also important that you two communicate how large a role religion plays in your individual lives. Different religions can play a minor or major role in your relationship, depending on how you choose to handle the issues that arise. Communication will help you forecast how big a problem, or non-problem this will be in your future.

Women love to give advice on men. Turn on any daytime talk show, flip through any magazine on the stands or even visit your local hair salon...what topic is always in high demand? Men. There isn't anything wrong with this. For better or for worse, we relate to each other and it is easier to share your concerns with someone who has went through the same things you have. But ladies, men give good advice as well. They tell you the the signals you've missed, the things you don't want to hear, but most importantly, they share the things you need to hear. Recently, Keem's Luv Corner [http://keemsluvcorner.blogspot.com/] provided a great example in his take on the "She ain't goin' NOWHERE" phenomenon. He introduces the varies stages a man's brain goes through has he develops [and possibly] loses interests in a woman. I request that you read it for two reasons: it's great and it's honest.

"There comes a point in life where you have to ask yourself, WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT? MYSELF AND MY SANITY OR HIM? Why be angry on a weekly or daily basis? Why be stressed? Why be insecure with a person? Why is a single MAN worth making you feel all of these NEGATIVE feelings so often? He's NOT worth it; Love thyself before you love any man other than God or your father."

I have been guilty of swearing that "I'm leaving!"..."I am through with this!"..."You have one more chance to get it together!"..."You can be replaced!"...etc...etc...[insert more threats here]. It's interesting to hear how this is perceived in the male mind. What I took from his words:

• Threats are meaningless unless you follow through, unless you truly mean that you are done with the relationship
• Men take your words at face value...if you say you're "fed up" but continue to accept things at status quo, you aren't really fed up
• If you aren't ok with certain behaviors and you pretend you are, you're only setting yourself up for those behaviors to continue

But the most important thing I took away from the blog also the point of this one? Men are good at giving advice too. If you're listening to advice from the same three sources and continue having the same three [relationship-based] problems, this may be a good time to consider other options. Take the time to hear from a different point of view and it could greatly help change your own outlook and outcome of your current and/or future relationships.

Please remember that neither men nor women have the monopoly on good or bad advice, and it's up to you to be able to decipher the difference. But with this blog suggestion, I'm asking you to leave it up to me :-)

My dad is not Barack and my mother is not Michelle. However, my parents have been married for 35+ years. Are they perfect? No. But in my eyes, they are the gold standard. The past 23 years they have set the bar pretty high but more importantly, pretty accurately. Love has its ups and downs and for the past 23 years, they've shown be the balance that needs to exist between the two and the work that goes into the love. Society paints two basic pictures of love: heaven and hell. Either you're happy as can be or at each others throats all day long. Any one who has been in a successful relationship knows that it is not that simple. I came across this pretty accurate, definitely interesting article, "What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle Obama" [http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle?page=0,0] and it is something you should read.

"It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?"

Black love is catching a bad rap and it has been for years. Finally we have this shining example in the Obamas, but seeing beyond the photo ops is very, very necessary. Before he was the president, he was broke. Before he was leading a county, he was just one man with potential. Realistically, you have probably met a man or are dating a man or even have a friend who is dating a man who isn't perfect, but has potential. Reaslitically, relationships take work. And realistically, if you want a prince charming, you have to understand that princes have flaws and perfect is.not.real. "What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle Obama" speaks on this, and I completely agree. This post isn't about lowering your expectations or telling you that you'll never have a "Barack", it's about being realistic. If you want a man who sees the beauty in your flaws and uplifts you, realistically, you should be prepared to do the same. Take time to think about how hard he works, instead of where he works at; think about his long-term goals. People grow and taking the time to be a part of the journey can bring you more hapiness than focusing on short-term shortcomings.

Take the time to read the article and let me know what you think!

Couples argue. If you have met a couple that tells you that they agree on everything and never have had a disagreement they are probably being dishonest; either with you or with themselves. Arguments are natural for two people who don't share the same point of view on every topic. They are also productive and honest ways for a couple to express themselves and develop a stronger relationship. Productive arguments are necessary to minimize the constant fighting that comes from not venting and addressing the problem[s] when you are both calm. When emotions run high, it can be hard to have an argument that ends on a positive note and doesn't escalate into a bigger problem.

• You aren't a mind reader and you shouldn't expect your mate to be one either. Explain your reasons for being angry and allow them to do the same. If you find that you are arguing about two different issues, address them both separately.
• Remain calm. Granted, this one is easier said than done, but if you're both yelling and talking over each other you aren't really hearing each other.
  
• Keep the past in the past. If you're trying to "win" the argument or prove a point, recalling something from the past is probably not the most productive tactic. The goal of the argument is to develop a solution and bringing up things that have already been addressed is not going to help either side.
• Develop a solution that respects both you and your mate's feelings. Talk about what each of you can do to make things better instead of putting the work off on one person. The solution should be one that you both feel comfortable with in the long run.
• When the argument ends, it may be a good idea to distance yourselves from the negative emotions you had and the positive solution you have developed. You may want to take a little time and space for a few minutes to calm down.
  

Location, location, location. Change of location has been and will be the ongoing theme of this series. You can't meet new people and potential mates if you don't break out of your comfort zone and open yourself up to new experiences.

During the four [and sometimes, five+ ] years of college meeting new people is relatively easy. Upon graduation you're thrown from your comfort zone of the college campus and into the real world, where your social life changes significantly. You spent years working for your degree and now it's time to let you're degree work for you. Most colleges and universities have alumni associations, either officially through the school or unofficially through a social networking site. They are a great way to reconnect with people you may have only met once or twice, but also meet new people who you missed in your time on campus. No matter how big or small your campus was, chances are that you didn't meet every single person and this is a great way to rectify this and get a second chance. You automatically have at least one thing in common with the new people you'll meet which is a great ice-breaker. Contact your school and do a little research to find out what associations you can join. Getting out there an utilizing those untapped resources is a great way of raising your odds of finding what you're looking for.

If you have suggestions on other great places to meet new people, please share them!

Location, location, location. Change of location has been and will be the ongoing theme of this series. You can't meet new people and potential mates if you don't break out of your comfort zone and open yourself up to new experiences.

I recently spoke with a single friend of mine who assures me that men are having just as hard a time finding good women as single women are having finding good men. I'll leave that to discussion, but he offered me some advice on another location that is great for meeting new people: networking events. I took some time to think about it and I wholeheartedly agree. What better place to meet active people in a new environment?

Networking events span all types of groups and foster a comfortable environment. Taking advantage of an upcoming event that you would not normally attend is a win-win scenario; the goal is to constantly meet new people. It's easy to say that you want to get out there and find a potential mate, but doing so takes effort. Some people find it intimidating to walk up to someone they have never met and start a conversation. The the beauty of a networking event is that everyone there came with the specific goal of meeting new people beyond their own social and professional circles. You can develop a comfortable repertoire that is often difficult to have at a bar. So how do you make the most of this new location?

• Start off with what you know. Pick a networking event that is related to or in your field, this way you can feel comfortable with people who share common interests.
• Walk in with confidence. Your first impression when you enter the room should be your best one; confident posture, bright smile, etc. If you're typically at the event when it starts, make sure you have a good balance of "I'm completely comfortable standing here alone" and "If you'd like to come over, I'd love to talk".
• Set a goal. Whether you plan to stay for a certain amount of time or meet a certain number of people, set a goal and stick to it. It's your time and it's your decision to be there, so maximize and make the most of things!
• Positivity. You may meet someone who is rude. You may meet someone who isn't interested in talking with you. You may meet someone who is generally hard to talk to. The important thing with each of those hypothetical people is that they should not be discouraging. Don't let a bad experience keep you from seeking out new and enjoyable ones.

As you become comfortable, consider attending networking events beyond your usual interests. Open yourself up to new options and enjoy the new experiences (and people) that come your way!

Meeting men is not an exact science. If you're having trouble meeting someone new, try taking the focus away from what you're already doing [and why it isn't working] and open yourself to the options that you haven't yet pursued. I mentioned during Pt. 1 that I'm a firm believer in stepping outside the comfort zone of your usual social circle and meeting new people; it's the best way to increase your odds of meeting the person you're looking for.

Research has proven the working out your body can have positive effects on your mind, a positive mind goes hand-in-hand with a positive attitude and a great way to attract people is a good attitude. What's a great place to develop all of these things? Your local gym. Now, ignoring the arguable assumptions of that argument, let's focus on the facts. If you don't typically go to the gym, by going, you're not only helping yourself, but also providing an opportunity to meet someone new. If you already attend the gym regularly, changing the time you usually go, you can also change your usual workout company. Three great ways to utilize your new environment:

• People watch to get a feel for what type of men you're surrounded by
• Try sending out a friendly smile or two.
• Spend a little extra time near the typically male-populated workout areas such as the weight area

The list is not exhaustive and should be personalized to what makes you comfortable. If you're not typically bold, walking up to a group of men mid-workout may come off awkward and not convey the best representation of you're true personality. On the other hand, if you're extremely outgoing, you may frustrate yourself by playing the wall-flower of the gym scene. The most important part is to see the gym as a win-win for you; working on a great body and perhaps a great new relationship.

The article: "Marriage eludes high-achieving black women: Many remain single and childless, according to new research" ...can be found here.

The Obamas, a strong, successful Black couple, have shed light into a topic that has been around for years: does having more success lower the odds of finding a good man for Black women?

 I read the article (I suggest you do too!) and I agree that numbers-wise, it can be difficult for high-achieving Black women to find "suitable" mates. The article and the research the article is based on makes reference to descriptions such as reliable, suitable and well-matched. Granted, having multiple degrees and a high-paying job is a great trait for a potential mate to have, but they can't define a person on their own. The variables that women use to define succsess change and many women will tell you that they don't need all of those things and would rather have a mate that is honest and caring.

It is sometimes hard to ignore the negative messages that society constantly drills into our mind's which is why I'm going to present something with a positive angle. I'm a huge believer in changing up your enviroment to expand your options. So starting with my next posts, I'll be introducing the best places for you to meet them...stay tuned.

Common phrase. Typically used to soften the blow and avoid the guilt of breaking someone's heart. But what about when you mean it? When you really want to end the relationship, but keep the friendship? It's possible. Many people are still friends with their exes in varying degrees of closeness; phone calls once a year to hanging out once a week. So in the spirit of avoiding the post-breakup awkwardness and pursuing a friendship...here are a few tips I've selected from my own arsenal of a few trials and [many] errors.

Expect, then Accept the Space
So you're thinking the friendship will begin moments after the breakup, stop. Most people need space to heal and if they don't, they at least need time to adjust. The rules of your relationship will inevitably change and unless there is some distance between being a couple and being friends, those lines may get blurred. The lines get blurred, someone gets hurt, fighting starts and you catch yourselves in a worst place than you were pre-breakup. So take some time for yourself and then throw on a extra day or two just to play it safe.

Take Heed of the Romantic Temp
If you were on the receiving end of the "let's just be friends", be careful. If you were the initiator, be very careful. If your new "friend" tells you he/she is over everything and has no romantic feelings for you, yet their actions don't match up, there is a good chance they may still have feelings. And no, you aren't the exception to the rule, this can apply to you as well. Either way, it is incredibly important to make sure you're on the same page. Although some feelings may be residual, if they don't go away, they can have a very negative effect on your developing friendship.

Adopt Friendship Behaviors
It is easy to fall back into the familiarity of those relationship habits. Without the weight of the relationship, things may feel carefree and you two find yourselves still acting like a couple. If you want to avoid this a great way is to pay attention to how you treat your other friends and model your behavior until you are naturally comfortable with each other. At the same time, be aware that because of your history, this friendship is unique to your other ones.

Be Considerate
There is a difference between honesty and over-sharing. For example, if you're working on a friendship with an ex and you're dating someone new, be honest; make sure that they find this information out from you, instead of in another, less personal way. However, they do not need to know the about your first date or any other intimate details. This kind of over-sharing may lead to hurt feelings, jealousy and negativity that is counterproductive to your developing friendship.

So will these tips help you? Hopefully. You may gain a strong friendship, you may set the foundation for an even stronger relationship or you may never be friends. The most important factor is knowing that friendships take work and being "just friends" with an ex isn't any different.

Dating and relationships change in intensity throughout the years and the older we get, the more we're pressured to figured out if this person is "the one." Love at first site is a beautiful notion, but for many people, it is also an unrealistic one. Developing a relationship takes [sometimes varying] amounts of love, trust, commitment, respect and the connection that makes every relationship unique. After you've gotten to know the person behind their honeymoon-period 'spokesperson', at some point the question may arise: "Is this the person I could see myself marrying?"

Be Honest
Honesty is obviously an important part of a relationship, but it's most important that you're honest with yourself. It is very easy to smile and pretend things are great, but faking your way through enjoyment can take its toll after awhile. If you're unhappy now and you're dishonest with yourself, you're not giving your mate a fair chance to make you happy. Honesty with others may be the best policy, but honesty with yourself is a necessity.

Test the Waters
This is not a suggestion that you cook up a scheme  to test the love and devotion of your mate, but rather a suggestion that you test yourself; look at what you know and think about how much more you still have to learn. Quirks are cute until they are annoying and it is all fun and games until you become truly invested in your relationship. Although marriage may appear disposable in today's day and age, but the vows still speak of forever. And the thing about forever is that during that time you can learn a lot about a person....are you prepared for that?

Talk, Talk, TALK
A lot of times people [women AND men] live in their heads. Relationships begin, fights are sparked, love can come and go...all in the imagination. But a great way to learn more about the direction a relationship is going in is quite simple: just ASK. The questions are the simple part, decoding what they mean...slightly more difficult. But the start of any good conversation begins with asking the questions you want answered. Everyone handles relationship conversations differently and it's important to know this before you broach the topic. For example, using intimidation tactics with a usually reserved mate is not going to make for an easy dialogue and you are more likely to end up with an argument instead of a conversation. You can not make someone want the things you want and you can not learn what they want unless you communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE.

Planning the rest of your lives together is not something that happens overnight. Keep your mind focused and gain perspective about what you want before your mind runs off into the land of 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'

First things first, the video can be found here.

The synopsis: Bryan Parker discusses the common misconception women have with sex and relationships.

I am a firm believer that if you want advice on men, asking a man is the best way to get an honest answer. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but men [Bryan Parker included] know other men. I enjoyed the video because it was honest. Having sex too soon can mess up a potential relationship. Parker addresses the importance of friendship and I wholeheartedly agree. The foundation of a strong relationship is knowing that the person you are with is in your corner and cares for you. Sex is exciting but it can't build that type of security alone. Although Parker's video is insightful and potentially very helpful, it's still important to take any advice as just that, advice. It is not a step-by-step instruction manual for how to treat every relationship. After watching the video, did you agree with Parker's advice or do you think he was inaccurate?

The Steve McNair saga has been splashed across news pages these past few days. If you listen to the morning radio/talk shows, I'm sure you've heard the quips and comments that the hosts have made about the situation. The most recent Hollywood celeb to throw in their two cents about the topic is Holly Robinson Pete [the Twitter post can be found here:http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bfpRkyFviaI/SlI3bBzgzbI/AAAAAAAACpU/ebXVoebplP8/s1600-h/hollypete.png]

I've  heard comments that range from complete empathy for McNair's mistake and death to the accusation that he deserves nothing and all sympathy should be reserved for his wife and family. The entire situation is tragic and everyone has an opinion. But it has also sparked a lot of discussions about repercussions of infidelity. Aside from the fact that affairs are emotionally unhealthy, they can also be dangerous. Sometimes an "understanding" ceases to exists and one side of the tryst wants something more. Being the "side piece" does not allow you many, if ANY, rights. There are certain rules that are typically unspoken and when these rules are broken and things turn nasty, sometimes people can get hurt. This presents the ugly side of the already ugly action of having an affair. Sometimes things can be as extreme as murder and sometimes it's something as small as an angry text message. For those of you who have been the other woman [or man] or been involved in an affair or even been present when things went bad for someone else...how was it handled before things went too far?

"Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream -- And How They Are Paying For It," by Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake is the newest  relationship book sweeping the circuit these days. Ford and Drake ask one simple question: What is wrong with a woman marrying for money?

They present a good case. Women do typically make less than men. Financial stability is important in a strong relationship. Women are generally the ones who put their career on hold to take care of children. Yes, all these things are TYPICALLY true. And marrying someone whose income can pick up the slack would be helpful, but where is that fine line drawn between gold-digging and being sensible? Finding a mate with the right traits and the right financial portfolio is ideal, not incredibly romantic, but definitely ideal. I think as your get older, your priorities change. The value of your partner's dollar depends on the things that you value. So is it wrong to place money over romance? Or is money simply a part of a romantic relationship?

Break-ups happen. Sometimes they are drawn out and long and painful. Other times they are so quick you don't realize you're alone until the person has long since left out the door. This kind of abrupt ending can leave a lot of questions. Feelings linger, pain exists and you find yourself wondering if you are really over that person. So if relationships end in varying ways, when is it REALLY over? Although the relationship ends when one [or both] mate say it is over, when do you know that the feelings that bind you to the relationship are gone as well? A friend sent me these tips a few years ago and I found them...interesting to say the least. I'm not sure how well they apply to EVERYONE, but stealing a few can't hurt. After reading them, do any of them apply to a break-up you've went through and moved on from?

Get Over It:

• Remove ANYTHING that reminds you of the person
  
• Delete them from your "digital" life; phone, email, social networks, etc.
  
• Take some time for yourself...ALONE
  
• Change your look
  
• Spend time with your single friends; let them teach you how to be single again.
  

Get Back In The Game:

• Trying doing something new
  
• Give those dating services a shot
  
• Attend any/all social events that you can
  
• Go out and stay out as much as possible

I was going to dedicate this post to something, but with the recent lost to the world of music, I decided to write about that instead.

Michael Jackson has passed away. He touched generations, literally GENERATIONS. He made music that transcended race, class, gender or even nationality. He was truly a phenomenal music artist. Sadly the speculation of his personal life and actions have marred many discussions of his death.

Putting people---celebrities, friends, lovers or whoever---on a pedestal is a dangerous thing. You expect perfection which is a hard feat to accomplish. Sadly when people disappoint us, our views of them are changed. And bouncing back from the fall off the high pedestal we have placed them on is also difficult. People choose different things. Some would rather their flaws are hidden and others wear them proudly for the world to see. Would you want someone to see you as perfect if you knew that any disappoint you gave them would ruin their view of you? Or would you rather they see you for who you are, taking both the good and the bad, and loving you in all of your imperfections?